Can O’ Joe

The new generation of ready-to-drink coffees. By Alisara Chirapongse, photography by Gregoire Glachant

1. Nuboon Milk Coffee

The drink: 500cc, 20% sugar, 5% coffee, 5% condensed milk. B38

The taste: Nuboon seems proud of its condensed milk taste. No fancy roasts or beans, here. This thing is MILK (coffee)—and there’s half a liter of it. Added bonus: with 20% sugar, this thing is great for people who’d like to put on some weight.

The verdict: A health hazard.

2. Oishi Coffio Fresh Coffee Espresso

The drink: 230ml, 7% sugar, 45% coffee. B25

The taste: Are people fed up with green tea? Someone at Oishi seems to think so. The result is this pretty convincing brew. Still sweet (we’re in Thailand), there’s a real bitter kick in there that actually tastes like a cup of java.

The verdict: If you drink your coffee sweet, look no further. We’re going to petition Oishi for a sugar-free version, though. Meanwhile, have it on loads of ice like an oleang.

3. UFC Latte Arabica

The drink: 230ml, 7.6% sugar, 2.6% coffee. B23

The taste: Look at those numbers. Tsk, tsk, tsk. The 5ml of coffee in there may be arabica, but it’s not like we can taste the difference behind all that sugary cream. Is there a way of telling the can “mai wan” before taking it off the shelf?

The verdict: Fine if you’re a big fan of condensed milk, not so big on coffee but love the sound of the word “arabica.”

4. UCC Black

The drink: 185ml, 5% coffee. B39

The taste: Ooh! Japanese! It must be hiso. And all those labels flashing words like “BLACK” and “NO SUGAR”! This thing is going to be the closest thing to an espresso at a café in Rome to ever make it into a can. Not. Sure, there’s no sugar, and we appreciate the effort, but the coffee was replaced by water—not good water, Songkran water. Think of it as a taste of this month’s festivities.

The verdict: No additives, no taste.

5. Nescafe Latte Smooth Blend

The drink: 180ml, 10% sugar, 3.6% coffee. B12

The taste: “Latte” + “smooth” = for people who like milk, not coffee. The foamy melted-marshmallow feel from the super fatty cream is filling but apart from that strange sickening sensation, you won’t get much out of this can.

The verdict: Add ice, blend, and serve for dessert.

6. Birdy Ricco Mocha

The drink: 225ml, 9% sugar, 1% coffee. B15

The taste: Birdy has always had the reputation of being the coffee equivalent to Red Bull with its high dose of caffeine, so it got repackaged as the less construction-worker-friendly Ricco line. In this case, they also decided to take out the coffee and add chocolate, making it a Mocha.

The verdict: Bad chocolate milk that tastes like cough syrup.

7. D7 Extra Rich

The drink: 180ml, 10% sugar, 4.4% coffee. B12

The taste: This super-sweet baan baan Red Bull-looking can of liquid candy is so overloaded with sugar, it might give you the shakes just like a couple of M150s would. Though it tastes nothing like coffee, it’s your ideal companion for those long nights driving a truck to Chiang Rai.

The verdict: Extra rich—in sugar.

8. Taste of Nirvana Thai Coffee

The drink: 280ml, 6.35% sugar, 9% coffee. B40

The taste: The fancy pop-top glass bottle and the name hints of heavenly delights. Upon opening the cap, however, the fumes of fat cream, instead of coffee, instantly hit your nose. We could taste the cream, condensed milk, sugar and, well, more milk, but where’s the coffee? The only thing real about this bottle is the deposited fat residue around the screwtop.

The verdict: Use it as engine oil in your Mini.