In the words of last Saturday’s Thai Rath front page headline (the one by that tasteful snuff shot), David Carradine committed “gay suicide.” To us, gay suicide is wearing a boring pair of grandpa boxers at Babylon or a Hawaiian shirt when you visit DJ Station. But Carradine had obviously done much worse to make the front page of every newspaper in the world. Based on our understanding of resident dead body expert Dr. Pornthip’s explanations, Carradine died of auto-eroticism. To keep you safe, here are four facts about this potentially deadly addiction:

1. It’s not just men who do it. Penguins and         baboons touch their pee-pees, too.

2. The front page of Thai Rath is not the worst thing         that can happen to you. Auto-eroticism can also make hair         grow on your palms.

3. The gateway behaviors to auto-eroticism include kung fu,         nakedness and longish hair. (If you think you’ve been         indulging in any of these, visit your local doctor or faith         healer now.)

4. Don’t tie your shoelaces in a dark closet, even if you’re really      shy about people seeing you tie your shoelaces.
       

     We do agree with Pornthip on one count, this was no suicide. Take Toranong Srichua, director of 2022 Tsunami. First he got slammed for using pictures of real tsunami victims to promote his movie, then the Red Shirts burned down a theater where it was playing, then he tried to blow his brains out when the movie bombed. That’s a slow painful-to-watch suicide, which is why you don’t read about it on Thai Rath’s front page.
    
     Gay suicide, or auto-eroticism, or whatever you want to call it, is obviously much more interesting— uplifting even. In these dark times, it reinforces the idea that everyone in Hollywood really dresses like Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest freak creation, out Jul 10 in the USA and only one lawsuit so far), has mad orgies with dwarves and isn’t really happy after all. Grasshopper/Bill’s last great gift to you: enjoy being unknown, enjoy having a desk job, enjoy being normal; it’s that or tying your testicles to your neck.