Thanks to these nightlife pros, you don’t have to go home alone tonight. By Sarita Urupongsa and Nick Measures, illustrations by Tanwa Tiammek

With your crazy work hours, long commute and all those family obligations, the only time you have a chance to get some action is on a night out. You might get lucky and find your soul mate but, to be honest, we are really talking one night stands here. To help you out, we didn’t go to psychologists or professional matchmakers. We spoke to the witnesses of our nightly attempts to score that hot guy or gal on the dance floor.

 

The Experts

The Bartenders

These guys have heard every cheesy pick up line and seen every tacky move in the book.

 

 

Phuvadol “Doe”
Pornaram, 
bartender at Q Bar.

 

 

 

 

Panuwat “Ning”
Pikkhuwayo,
bartender at Bed Supperclub.

 

 

 

 

 Tony-Monton Piheng,
bartender
at Slim Live.

 

 

 

 

Johan Davidsson,
food & beverage manager
and bartender at Nest.

 

 

 

The Musicians/DJs

Somehow, everyone wants to bag a DJ or musician­. These guys get hit on a million times a night, they must know a thing or two.

 

 

Pe, saxophonist and leader
of The Brain, who have been
the resident band at Route 66
for three-years.

 

 

 

Pramook “Nop”
Nualpetch,
DJ at Route 66

 

 

 

 

Magic Muffin a.k.a.
Jitlada Rachadech,
The Tube Bar’s owner
and DJ at Glow, Soda and Siam@Siam.

 

  

 

Natasha “Oong”
Patamapongs, lead singer
of Mellow Motif, who recently
released their self-titled debut album.

 

 

The Coyote Girl 

Talk about a pro: at the end of the day—it’s her job to get hit on!

 
 

Dew, a coyote dancer at
Neverland gentlemen’s club.
 

 

 

 

How can you tell if the guy or girl across the room is available?

Johan: Just go up to them! You’ll soon know if they are available. If they move to somewhere else, get the hint and stay away.
Doe: Ignore girls who seem lost in thought or act busy. Focus on the one looking around, scanning the room.
Oong: Either they are alone or with friends of the same gender. I think eligible bachelors/bachelorettes have a tendency to be wandering around with a drink in their hands!
Ning: Don’t mess with a girl who’s not alone. Even if she is with a gay guy, that means she doesn’t want to be bothered. 
Pe: Available as in single or available that night? It’s pretty hard to tell. Guys can’t tell when girls lie. As for guys, they always say they are single, even if they are not, so watch out girls!
Dew: Just observing them might not be enough. You have to have a proper chat with them to really know. Where I work, most of them are already in a relationship, they just want to have a fun night out.
Magic Muffin: Since I’ve been in a relationship for five years,
I hardly notice. I guess it’s hard to know who’s really single.
 

What drink should I order to impress a girl?

Johan: You should order something that makes her feel sexy. A clean, fresh and strong martini like a Cosmopolitan is a great drink.
Oong: I would prefer Champagne or a really good Rose. They look and taste sweet and I think it makes a girl feel more
special than just your standard old cocktail.
Ning: Guys will often ask for advice when buying a girl a drinks. I always recommend cocktails, and especially
martinis, which definitely seem to work
Dew: The higher the price, the better the chance of
impressing her.

 

What drink should I order to impress a guy?

Johan: A glass of wine. It’s quite impressive if a girl can pick out a good wine. But to be honest, order a guy any drink and he’ll be impressed!
Tony: Vodka.
Dew: Anything that has a lot of alcohol.
Magic: Jack Daniel’s on the rocks.
Oong: It really depends on the type of guy. Whiskey or brandy would be a safe bet if you’re eye-ing up an artist and a classic martini would work fine with a banker-type. Ultimately I would suggest you go with whatever you feel is original.

What’s the best time to make your move?

Doe: Generally people seem to hook up after midnight. The fact that everyone is drunk makes picking up super easy.
Tony: After midnight is when things get busy. It’s the perfect time to go talk to the person you’ve been spying on all night and try to get their number.
Nop: After 1am, when everybody’s gone crazy. Make your move just when the bar is closing and invite the person you’re hitting on to an after party or a late dinner. 
Pe: Once the bar or club has closed and everyone’s gathering out front ready to go home. The point is to check if the guy or girl you’ve been staring at all night is still good looking in proper lighting, and not just in the dingy bar.
Dew: The earlier at night the better, at least you can have a proper conversation while you’re still fully conscious!
Magic: 1:30am would be perfect. Everyone’s gone crazy so you don’t have to worry about taking time to introduce yourself too much before asking them to the after party.
Oong: Just make sure he/she is alone.

What’s the most popular pick up line?

Johan: “Have we met before?” But girls don’t like it. I saw somebody two weeks ago who used that line, and the girl pushed him away complaining she’d heard it already that night. I think breaking the ice is most important. Just get her to start talking and start listening. Start with a compliment, like “I really like your dress.”
Ning: I think guys’ most popular line would be, “Would you mind if I join you?” For girls it’s easy, just make eye contact as a sign you’re interested.
Nop: The key thing is to keep them chatting until you get the number.
Oong: Pick up lines are overrated! Most people believe that being too direct is a bad thing, but often people try to avoid the point (the “I-am-interested-in-you” point) so much that it becomes very awkward. Just saying “Would you mind if I buy you a drink?” with the sincere intention of making a nice conversation would do it for me.

 

Which topics are good to chat about?

Johan: A great topic is food. Nobody is going be say, “Fuck, all she wanted to talk about was food.” If you’re really struggling, just repeat the last thing the guy or girl said. If he says “I really like hip hop,” then you say, “Oh really? You really like hip hop?” It can work for ages.
Magic: Jokes!
Oong: Talk about what you’re both interested in, try and find out what you have in common, and learn more about the other person’s interests and background.
 

What music gets people in the mood?

Nop: A bit of soulful R&B always seems to do the trick. The track “Kiss me thru the phone” by Soulja Boy is definitely hot at the moment. Whenever guys want to ask for a girl’s number, they send the message through this track.
Pe: Music they can dance to; tracks like “Chao Mai Klua,” “Kalumplee” and “Playgirl.” And those Body Slam, Big Ass and Silly Fool guys can really get people dancing.
 

What can a guy do to get attention?

Johan: Be good at something. It doesn’t matter what it is. So if you are really funny, be funny. Girls will be impressed.
Doe: Take a seat at the bar, wear expensive clothes and order expensive drinks. Girls are always curious about a rich guy.
Tony: Be calm, be cool and try to be mysterious.
Nop: Just don’t get really drunk.
Magic: Jump on the bar counter, naked.

 

What can a girl do to get attention?

Ning: A sexy dance routine is very attractive. Girls who know how to move their body get extra points.
Johan: You don’t want to be fake, but trust me you, shouldn’t be too honest either. Never talk about other guys because guys don’t want to know. When he tells you about his life, let him talk and be a good listener.
Pe: Listen girls, the way you dress must reflect your character. Don’t try to be all foxy if you are not­—just be yourself.
Dew: That’s an easy one: sexy dancing in a sexy dress.
Oong: Use facial expressions and body language. Be natural and relaxed. If you notice a look, just talk and smile with your friend (make sure you’re with a friend of the same gender though or it could be really misleading!) This will make the other person want to join the conversation because you appear casual, natural, and easy going.

 

What’s the best way to brush someone off?

Johan: Don’t lie; it will make things complicated. Keep it simple, like, “Nice talking to you, hope I see you again,” or, “I have to go back to my friends”.
Doe: Most of the time, you’ll both know when you don’t hit it off. If not, something like, “I need to go to the restroom,” or, “I need to smoke,” gives you the chance to escape to a different floor or venue!
 

Can relationships that start in bars and clubs really last?

Nop: Well, I know one couple who first met in a club and just celebrated their ten-year relationship. But I guess it’s pretty rare these days. People don’t just hang out at bars for the music anymore, they go there to hook up. That’s why girls always dress so sexy. I don’t think anyone thinks it’s going to last forever when they meet in a club.
Ning: Well, it seems to happen quite a bit here. We have had a lot of couples who’ve arranged wedding parties here, since this was where they first met.
Pe: I think beautiful romances can happen in clubs. I mean people can get in tune with each other any place even in a club. If they are into each other, why not? Our bass player is an example, it can work.
 

Can you help customers pick people up?

Johan: Sure, like when we give someone a drink we can pass on a nice comment. Or we can give people information about the girl or guy if we already know them. It might make it easier for you to approach them.
Doe: Guys often ask us to hand a piece of paper to the girl they like. They can take it over after that.
Tony: We often get asked if we know the person they like. Is she with anyone? Sometimes they even ask us to collect the girl’s personal details.

 

Do you ever get into relationships with your customers?

Dew: Of course, at my workplace, most of customers want to have serious relationships. In fact, most of my friends are customers’ girlfriends.  
Doe: Sure, there’s always some chatting up from both sides. No rule says we cannot hit on customers but we know to concentrate on the job during work, after that we can go hang out.
Tony: Everyday, girls try to pick us up in so many ways. In the early evening, they’ll be nice and easy to hang out but they often turn into completely different girls late at night. Good girls can easily turn bad, I can tell you. But most -bartenders here have girlfriends already. So these kind of relationships nearly never happen. 
Pe: As usual, the lead singer gets all the girls’ attention. The rest get chatted up once in a while, but not as often as we would like.
Magic Muffin: Every night. But in friendly way and I’m always with my boyfriend during that moment. It does give me more energy to DJ.
Oong: I guess I get chatted up quite often because I’m a singer! I usually have a little thing against people hitting on each other in bars or nightclubs as I never felt it’s very sincere and genuine. It’s definitely not impossible though. It never happened to me before though, but I wouldn’t say I’m against the idea!

 

Bars to Pull your Dream Man

Rendezvous

Hook up with: A Suit.
Why: You like men who succeed in life, who know what they want and go out there and get it. Strike that, you just want a rich husband, right?
The Place: Black leather couches and sleek lighting give this place a refined lounge feel but the house band allows for some dirty dancing once the ties come off.
Landmark Hotel, 138 Sukhumvit Rd., near BTS Nana, 02-254-0404. Open daily 7pm-2am.

 

Club Culture

Hook up with: An Indietronica Geek.
Why: Big rim glasses, checkered shirts and the words bpm just make you go weak at the knees, plus these guys rarely come out of their bedrooms so they’re easy prey.
The Place: This converted Thai theater boasts one of the biggest dance floors in town so throw some moves and bag that geek.
Sri Ayutthaya Rd., near BTS Phayathai,
08-9497-8422. www.club-culture-bkk.com. Open Tue-Sun 9pm-2am.

 

Brick Bar

Hook up with: A Dek Naew.
Why: You like your guys young, energetic and insufferably trendy.
The Place: It’s hot, crowded and really, really sweaty, letting you get up close and personal to your dream dude while you bounce up and down to ska tunes.
1/F, Buddy Lodge Building, 265 Khao San Rd., 02-629-4702. www.brickbarkhaosan.com. Open daily 6pm-1am.

 

Niu’s

Hook up with: A Sugar Daddy.
Why: What’s so bad about being a mia noi anyway? The hours and pay are pretty darn appealing if you ask us.
The Place: Dark wood paneling and their own wine cellar with a background of live jazz, no wonder this place is frequented by distinguished gentleman who know their Davis from their Coltrane.
1-2/F, Baan Silom, 661 Silom Rd., 02-266-5333. Open daily 5pm-1am. www.niusonsilom.com

 

Happy monday

Hook up with: An Arty Type.
Why: You want someone to sing about you and write you poetry.
The Place: In the same compound as a magazine company and a record label it’s no surprise that this place is full of entertainment insiders.
Ekkamai Soi 10., 02-714-3953. Open daily Tue-Sun 7pm-1am.

 

The Londoner’s

Hook up with: A Sports Fan.
Why: A man with a beer belly, a pint of lager, who just loves watching football every hour of the day—what girl’s head wouldn’t be turned by such a heady mix?
The Place: Most eyes will be glued to the multiple TV screens so it can be hard to get spotted. Our tip: grab a pint of lager and get ready to celebrate a goal with your neighbor.
Basement, UBC II Bldg., Sukhumvit Soi 33, 02-261-0238/9. Open daily 9-1am
 

Bars to Pull Your Dream Girl

Bed Supperclub

Hook up with: A Rich Chick.
Why: You need a sugar mummy to keep you in designer clothes and cocaine.
The Place: Super cool, uber chic and costs a fortune to get in—you know you’re rubbing shoulders with Bangkok’s crème de la crème.
26 Sukhumvit Soi 11, near BTS Nana, 02-651-3537.
Open daily 7:30pm-1am. www.bedsupperclub.com

 

Bangkok Rocks

Hook up with: A Rock Babe.
Why: You like your girls a little rough around the edges and have a thing for leather and good head (banging of course).
The Place: Live bands play every night of the week so you can definitely get your rocks off but the slightly upscale ambience means no spitting on the floor please.
Sukhumvit Soi 19 opposite Millennium Hotel, 08-6004-1852, Open daily 2pm-1am. http://bangkok-rocks.com.

 

Koi

Hook up with: A Model.
Why: You like your girls, tall, pretty, thinner than a lamppost and about as interesting to talk too.
The Place: Like its
clientele this place is all about sleek forms and sharp angles, personified by the glass triangle in the courtyard. Still the
decent cocktails give the place a party air.
26 Sukhumvit Soi 20, 02-225-8159. Open Tue-Sun 4pm-midnight. www.koirestaurantbkk.com

 

Grill n Garden

Hook up with: An Eco Warrior.
Why: You want to save the planet and you want to find someone to save it with you.
The Place: OK, it’s not really green in terms of environmentally friendly green but at least the large garden gives you an opportunity to get to know fellow nature lovers.
If   you can’t pull, just hug a tree.
Ekamai Soi 2, 02-714-4556. Open daily 5:30pm-1am.

 

Pandanus Bar Bistro

Hook up with: A Stepford Wife.
Why: You want your girl to be just that, able to host a dinner party and spend six hours getting ready for it at the salon.
Place: From the tree stump crawling with orchids to the floral motifs, this place is oh so ladylike, a perfect spot to snap up one of the bellini-swilling crowd.
50 Soi Nantha, Sathorn Tai Rd., 02-287-4021. Open daily 11am-11pm. www.pandanusbarbistro.com

 

Bars for Boy-Boy or Girl-Girl Hook Ups

The Room

Hook up with: A Young Gay Professional (no, not that kind of professional).
Why: You like Chinese looks and boys in expensive clothes. Your mom might even approve of this one.
The Place: The red and black decor gives it a Neo-Victorian whore house look—a classy one though.
231/17 Soi Sarasin, Lumpini, 02-650-2955. Open daily 6pm-1am.

 

DJ Station

Hook up with: A Potato Queen (or some Sticky Rice).
Why: Interracial sex is so much better. The whole ying-yang thing, you know.
The Place: Loud, crowded, with dirt-cheap drinks and awful house, DJ Station has all its patrons wondering, “Why am I here?” Don’t worry, they’ll all be back.
Silom Soi 2, 02-266-4029. Open daily 10pm-2am.

 

Celebrity Bangkok

Hook up with: An Anorexic Hairdresser.
Why: Spiky hair and pencil-thin boys fresh out of vocational school just arouse the pedophile in you.
The Place: This Langsuan wannabe at least offers more affordable prices, and is helped by the lighting and intimate corners.
362 -364 Kamphaeng Phet Rd. Chatuchak Bangkok 10900. (668) 0602 6234, (668) 0602 6265. info@celebritybangkok.com

 

Zeta

Hook up with: A Tom Boy.
Why: You like your girl’s to look like guys. It’s pretty cookie cutter here.
The Place: If you can take your eyes of the all-girl band then enjoy the purple decor, pool table and raunchy posters.
RCA Block C, Rama 9 Rd., 08-6039-3671. Open daily 8pm-2am.
 

 

Night Network

For those of you who think that trying to hook up in a bar is a touch seedy, these events give you a legitimate excuse to chat up members of the opposite (or same) sex. You’re just networking, honest.

 

Bangkok Matching

www.bangkokmatching.com
Popular among fun-loving singles aged 25 and up, Bangkok Matching arranges various dating events to suit your preferences. The Singles Mingle Night draws in a good mix of Thai and farang professionals, allowing you to enjoy a casual conversation over after-work cocktails, while the Dinner Date is for those who prefer a proper sit-down dinner. There’s also a speed dating night, a fast-and-fun way to meet loads of potential boy/girlfriends.

 

Bangkok Trader

www.thebangkoktrader.com, alan@thebangkoktrader.com
You’ve better work on that tan because this is an expatville! Frequented mostly by farang men, this networking event takes place once a month at pubs and bars where there’s a lot of beer and English food such as Bourbon Street, The Huntsman and Coyote. Free drinks for ladies. Want to know who you will be flirting with? Check out the Facebook group.

Bangkok Young Professionals

www.mobyelite.com/byp
If you are looking for someone with a secure career who your parents would totally approve of, Bangkok Young Professionals can help. The networking group constantly hosts a get-together event at posh restaurants and bars around town like Nest and Indus. Don’t expect to score a hopeless romantic, though, as the event’s main objective is to help the suits develop their careers. But hey, on the bright side, if not a relationship, you will definitely make lots of business connections. Bring truckloads of name cards.

 

Cocktails and Cones

02-650-8800. www.starwoodhotels.com.
This monthly charity event takes place every last Wednesday of the month at Glaz Bar, Plaza Athenee Bangkok to raise money to help the Operation Smile foundation provide medical services and treatments for underprivileged kids. What’s in it for you? Apart from a chance to meet a sophisticated Mr. Nice Guy to bring home to your mom, you’ll also get to sample Glaz Bar’s latest cocktails creations and Thai tapas and canapés. Entrance fee is B500.