Dear BK Magazine,

I am Panda Messiah. I have an IQ of 245. I’m still a baby, so I can’t talk yet, but I can send emails. And I’m here to save Thailand.
     You already know pandas are superior beings that have the power to melt hearts and boost tourism. Well I am a super panda, made in a test tube by the brightest minds in China, and I have chosen BK Magazine to deliver my message.
     First, allow me to demonstrate my exceptional abilities. I am impossibly cute. In some positions, I even look like a singing pink penis. Also, I had black fur on the fourth day of my existence. That is extremely precocious, even by panda standards. How old were you before you had black hair on your butt?
     Now, to the important part: how you will save your nation from H1N1, floods, corruption and Korean girl bands. Commandment #1: you will only worship real idols. Check for the official Chiang Mai Zoo stamp on all your panda merchandise. My idols are made in China to the highest standards. Fine print: never put an idol in your mouth; that sweet taste is the lead.
     Commandment #2: you will be friends with all your Asian neighbors, particularly the ones that like to wear military outfits. Yes, that means China, Burma and North Korea. North Koreans are our comrades and, even if they do like to blow things up, I wouldn’t be able to read minds and glow in the dark if it wasn’t for nuclear fallout.
     Lastly, commandment #3: you will leave the military alone. They are working for me now, so stop bugging them about containers, Tak Bai and all that nonsense. Those missing persons are not dead, they have gone to Pandaland, where smoking increases your life expectancy and there are no such things as STDs.
     Be happy, worship the Panda Messiah and don’t forget to stop at the souvenir shop on your way back to work.