Rise and shine. It’s me again. Colonel Somsak. I know, you don’t (yet) love the army quite as much as you should but with the nation currently under siege, you need us. Like I tell my boys, “Those lily-livered civilians need us like a hole in the head.” Oh no, wait, that’s what I tell the Southern Rangers. My point is there’s a plague sweeping this nation and whether you peacenik pansies like it or not, we sure as hell are the cure!

     Now, last week I gave you a quick primer on detecting bombs. This week, we’ll talk about detecting people stealing ammunition, hand grenades, the schematics to the GT200 (just kidding, there’s no such thing) and asssault rifles from a weapons depot. Like I tell my boys, who tend to keep losing their guns in the strangest places, “Good thing yer balls are attached to yer dicks, or else you’d forget them at the brothel as well!” Hehe. That one usually gets a whole heap of laughs.

     Anyway, let’s review this footage from Fort Aphai Borirak, home to the 401st Engineers. Here, we see twelve men with wheelbarrows and three pick-up trucks. They look like they could be gardeners. But look closely: what they are carrying are weapons. See how the weapons go from the depot into the wheelbarrows and then into the pick-up truck. Sneaky, but incredibly effective. Now watch. They are driving off. They wave to the guards, who wave back. But look more closely. They’re not just waving, they’re flipping our boys the finger! Like I tell my boys, “I could be handing you idiots a hand grenade, as long as the GT200 doesn’t chirp. You’d probably think it’s a pineapple.” Get it? Oh, never mind.
So now there’s a bunch of crazed gardeners running around with guns. That means you should be scared, you city-living hippies. Very scared. While you’re busy sipping frapu-caccinos (I love caramel), getting your skin whitened and reading Be Gay Magazine, we’re out there defending the nation. Right. Dismissed.