This week you will mainly die from...

A recent study has finally revealed that thousands of people all over the country are becoming ill as a result of reading the papers. While the nation’s general happiness was temporarily lifted by blanket coverage of panda baby, any positive effects were quickly dampened by the media’s obsession with scare stories about the potentially deadly effects of the H1N1 virus. Indeed the study has discovered that media reports are directly disproportionate to the level of danger caused by this strain of flu. Reports that this was actually a campaign by mask manufacturers who have suffered a drop in sales since bird flu went out of fashion could not be confirmed.